Dang It’s Hurricane Season in Florida (again)
When the big one is on the way and the news tells me to hunker down I am definitely going to do it my way. I will follow the basic rules but will adjust them to my Catty Kim style.
Following is a list of how I am going to prepare the Catty Kim way. I have also figured out ways to be a fat cat in the end.
- They tell you that you should have at least one gallon of water per person per day. Hey, beer is mostly water and a 12 pack of beer is slightly over a gallon. Be honest would you rather be drunk or sober when the hurricane hits? I vote for drunk! Buy as much beer as you can because afterwards wouldn’t the victims rather have a beer and forget their problems then drink plain boring water?? Sell the beer you don’t need for 25 times the price you paid for it.
- You also need to make sure you have your daily requirements of the 5 food groups. They never said they have to be nutritional. My idea’s don’t even need a can opener.
- Grain – Beer has barley and possibly some other grains, I actually don’t know what the nutritional value of beer is. Have you ever bought beer and checked it nutritional contents??
- Vegetable – Corn and Potato’s. I prefer mine in the convenient fried chip form.
- Dairy – I am going to buy dip (it does go well with the potatoes in the chip form).
- Meat or Protein – Bean dip is an excellent source of protein and they go great with the corn chips. Also if you need a light source you can always fire up a “blue flame”.
- Fruit – I am going with Spicy Salsa. Tomatoes are a fruit. This will also help keep that blue flame burning bright.
- Make sure you have Batteries. a Radio, a Flashlight, Candles and a Camera. I am going to Big Lots and buy these things in big lots, cheap. Later I can mark these things up by 3,000% for my after the hurricane sale.
- Cigarettes. I am going to buy as many as my trunk will hold and if I don’t smoke them all I am going to use them as an investment. They are as good as cash in prison and I know smokers will pay scalpers rates.
- Super Absorbent Kitty Litter. When the water goes out and you can’t use the toilet anymore use the litter box. It would be even better if we could get the cats to clean the litter box after we use it. If you have trained your cat to do this please let me know.
- Plywood – After you cover your windows with it you can use it for advertising. Call a hurricane shutter company and see if they will pay you to put this ad on it. I should have bought hurricane shutters from Acme Hurricane Shutters. Even a blast from Wylie Coyote can’t blow those shutter away.
- Ice to keep the beer and dip cold until it’s sold. You can get more money for a cold beer then a warm one.
- A killer radio with a headset that lets you turn up the volume really loud (hey it's like the car radio theory -if ya can't hear the noise the car is making – it’s not making any). If you turn up the volume really loud while you are dealing with a hurricane you won’t notice the noise the roof is making as the hurricane force winds are sending it air born.
- Send all your insurance paperwork to a friend/relative up north tell them that it’s only for safe keeping. But when the hurricane is coming tell them since the phones will be down they need to call the insurance agent and deal with the forms. Just think of it as payback for all the times they visited you and made you take them to Disney World.
- One nice outfit. When the film crews are coming to visit the disaster area – How do you want to look on national television?? Do you want to appear as that country bumpkin with the tattered clothes and stupid tight shirt?? You definitely don’t want to hear this: “I am glad that Goodwill was able to help you out with some clothes to wear” and then you reply “Heck no!! This is my best outfit”.
- A plan for your car. Hey, mine is old and I am planning on parking it under that neighbor’s tree that has been overhanging my house for decades. That’s what his insurance is for.
- House photo’s for the insurance company. I am going to Bird Key (where the houses cost over 2 million each) to take mine. The interior photos will also show all those wonderful antiques I plan on claiming.
- Rent or buy a porta potty and put it in your front yard and charge $10 per use. Once your customers are in there and say “There is no toilet paper” Let them know that it is extra. Only $4 a sheet for single ply and $7 per sheet for double ply. Charmin is considered a luxury item and will cost $12 a sheet.
- A large tent. You can rent it out!! Charge $50 per square foot per night without bathroom privileges and $75 with bathroom privileges. When they buy the one with the bathroom privileges hand them the litter box. You are also locking in customers to buy the rest of your goods at scalper’s rates.
Here are my ideas:
About three weeks after the hurricane hits and I have made a lot of money as a scalper, I am going to buy my own island and declare it a hurricane free zone……………………..provided I am not arrested for being a scalper and sent to prison with “Big Bertha” as my roommate. Hopefully they will not confiscate any of my leftover cigs so I will have plenty of smokes to use as cash. Who knows maybe I can end up being the “Fat Cat” of prison and make some money there too.
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